in the past few weeks, or months, rather, a lot of shit has gone down. i've dropped people who were once the center of my whole world, gotten a job, met someone new, taken up writing again, in the process of trying to quit all vices to avoid rehab and other institutions, (and just for the overall sake of my health), hated myself, loved myself, felt indifferent towards myself. i don't really know what to think of all of this, considering i still have high up's and lower then low downsyndrome (HAW! HAW!), but i think i can actually say i'm pretty happy. i'm don't know that i'm happy with how a few things have unfolded, such as drug habits, nude pictures of an old flame found by my own mother, and the new boy, but i think i've found solace in knowing that when a shitty day is over and i just want to punch something until the bones of knuckles are viewable, that i can now find it in myself to calm down and realize that sometimes we do have shitty days, and tomorrow will be a clean slate, for the most part, provided that i keep a clean conscious, which i've been working hard on lately. the end of a ruined relationship and the beginning of a beautiful one has also helped quite a lot. i feel like i finally have someone within my age bracket that i can talk to openly without fear of reproach, make stupid jokes with, and overall, just be my actual self around. no facades. no lies. just pure adoration and gratefulness. this person has saved my life. thankyou. (you know who you are and i love you to death.) with turning over a new leaf, i've also decided to diagnose myself free of bpd, depression, and provided that i begin taking my iron and multivitamins again, anemia (you can't cure sick blood overnight, but i'm trying.) the whole "mental illness" thing gets to me because i sometimes find myself asking why i'm not like a normal 16 year old girl and why can't i decipher the difference between good and evil, which is not a good feeling at all. i try really hard and think i do a good job not letting that shit get in the way of anything, but i do, however, know that it will always be a part of me, and sometimes i slip. i've never used it as a scapegoat though, as many girls my age would, because it certainly isn't something to brag about. "i have bpd, so that makes me mysterious and different. and oh, yeah, i pop pills for it daily and it really helps, but still, pity me! pity me!" yeah, fuck you. and fuck bpd. i'm never taking another med for it and if i'm sent to counseling (most likely) the only thing she is going to hear is me bull-shitting...something along the lines of, "yeah, i kind of feel like a...uhm...cantaloupe. and the only thing that helps me sleep at night is a credible amount of valium. i think that will help me come out of my cantaloupe shell. yes, very much so..." and if this whole "sending dani to rehab" thing goes through (don't think it will, thankfully) i'll become a hermit for life. i'm not going back. i'll stay fucking sober. the loss of my cousin due to an excessive amount of painkillers (also, my drug of choice) has, believe it or not, affected me greatly. "but you still do drugs. vicodin. weed. valium...when are you going to learn?" i'm not going to learn through other peoples mistakes, even if the result is inevitability death. it took a while after his passing, but i've since pulled my head out of my ass and learned for myself. nick, i'm so sorry it was too late.  i really wish we could've been around eachother more before the months of you going. maybe that could've somehow stopped time. we could've looked at each other a realized how bad we were fucking up and quit together. i'm now quitting for you because i know you wouldn't want me to follow in your path. you cross my mind daily. i love you and always will.
on a lighter note, and before i begin sobbing, i'm not going to consider this as 'quitting' my bad habits, but as growing into a better person because that's always been my main goal, and i think for a while i forgot all about that because i was too wrapped up in feeling numb, in fear of getting hurt. i'm done worrying. fate is fate. and lately it has been on my side. so, today is thursday. i'm no longer on lock-down with the 'rents. i have a loverly weekend planned with a very sweet skunk and nothing is going to get in my way. here's to us! <3